Thursday, July 1, 2010

Wall caving in around me...

So if you know know the constant battles I have faced in my relationship. The ups and downs...the giving and giving and giving..8 years worth.

I was over...passed it...and then I let me walls down again thinking if I try just one more time.
Sure it was alright for a while...but surely people fall back into their old ways and just as they make promises...they break them just as easily.

The constant insults...Or shall I call them "jokes" as he puts it. The embarrassing behavior... I just feel the rumbling inside me ready to explode. How many times must one say ENOUGH! The rude comments, the snide smurks...I can't live my life like this. No matter how hard I try to just push it aside it is literally tearing me apart. Love isn't this cruel.

I see others around us planning small vacations, going to dinner with friends...enjoying each other while I see him glued infront of the television while the only thing I see on it is my life slowly passing me by. Just thinking of where you are.

I have never been one to sit still. I came to this world to bite that damn apple over and over.

Is there one out there for me? Or am I doomed to walk this lifetime alone? If he would only let me in...u know who you are...don't you?

And then what becomes of this .....will I grow tired all over again? I am starting to recognize my own distorted truths. Am I never satisfied? Is it so wrong to want to be kissed and to feel you through that need you so bad that I can't let go?

What happens now?
Just like the tootsie pop....the world may never know.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Isn't she a bute! This is one of my flowers from my perenial garden. It spread like wildfire this year due to all the rain, humidity and sunshine. I am seriously considering having this image tattoo'd onto my shoulder. I have a few other flowers around my serpent and eye of Ra and I just think that with the right may just be it.
So I get asked on a regular basis why the serpent on my arm. And I usually pause and then just say "because I like snakes" LOL. That of course is a fib. Something to tide them over long enough to change the subject. To be able to focus their attention on something else.
The truth of the matter is that I find the story of Adam and Eve amazing. Here you have these two people running around naked just basking in all of Gods glory to have it all taken away and be punished for all eternity over the one apple. I know its not really about the apple. Its about the disobedience of man but to punishment man kind for ages upon ages due to one discretion is just...well...ridiculous! Am I now speaking out against my father? I better look out. Being that humanity is condemned already...what might be next?
Truth of the matter I don't believe the original tale of Adam & Eve. As fascinating and tragic as it may have all humanity punished because of Adam & Eve??? What kind of God is this anyways? And isn't God all knowing and all powerful and all loving? A parent? Yet when Adam hides after eating the apple God asks "Where are you?" Wait....if he's God...don't you already know? And all loving??? Yet you punish your children? Now out of curiosity...are we suppose to worship the God of the old testament who is spiteful and vengeful? Or the God of the new testament who is all loving and forgiving?
So back to the serpent. According to history prechristian times were actually times of Serpent worship. No its not about worshipping the "devil" or about worshipping the demise of mankind or some evil dictator. It was about worshipping the vessel or being that came fourth into our existence to tell us to wake up. Stop worshipping under this false God. Know your roots. Know your divinity and escape the cage that our souls seem to linger in. Know that you are not trapped here. Know that you are so much more then a meat puppet slave to a vengeful God.
The Serpent was a bringer of truth. A means of release. Freedom.
The tale of Adam & Eve was merely a tactic of control. Using fear of disobedience to keep one in line. Always feeling like you had something to prove dating back to that original sin. You know the sin....the one that had nothing to do with you.LOL.
I believe the Christ was the same thing. A means to a way out. Saving us from ourselves and from the stories of false God. The Christ came to remind us of who we are and what we are really apart of. The spark of light that exists in each and everyone of us. That light being a part of what is really our creator...if their is one. I am not suggesting that there isn't a creator but more of a creation. The way I described it to my son and daughter is that if God was a lump of sand we would be the individual granules and when you pour that sand out onto the still have sand. And when you sweep that sand back into a again..still have sand.
Thus when you release us into this reality you still have God. Because we are God. The divinity the lineage...the royal birth line. Gods DNA runs through us. Kind of like having your sir name. Mine would be Giliberto. No matter who I marry, what I do...I will always be of the Gilibertos. Hopefully this makes sense LOL.
And as angry as people may make me. I try to keep in mind that they are apart of me...and I of them and we all make up the mystical creation of God. So be kind to each other. Because in being kind to each other, you are being kind to yourself.
Ok..I think I am done on this one. I am sure you find me to be a wee bit batty but its all good. ;)

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The fable of "The Diamond and the dirt"

So I just got home from work about an hour ago and just couldn't sleep. Got the dogs on the porch barking, Aiden curled up in my bed and I just can't seem to unwind enough to fall asleep. I just kind of lay there with these random thoughts. One how my big buns Lucy cat is so darn cute yet such a wench! LOL. But shes purring right now and is being too friendly. I think its because she is fighting for my attention with Sylvester and Mama. Damn is she large and in charge LOL.

Then I think of things of past. I try not to dwell on the past too much. I mean its gone. It will never be the same. You can not no matter how hard you try repeat a exact duplicate of your past...of a certain moment in time. No matter how hard you try or how you carry it around is and will always be the past and just a memory. One that will too fade and be gone.

I was lying there and just thinking about what if we do reincarnate. What if we do pick out life lessons for ourselves. I think to myself that I know there are certain things in my life that I would've never chose for myself but then again see how I became so much stronger by getting through it.
But there are somethings that hurt so bad that I almost know for sure I didn't plan it. I think why would I put myself through somethings that were for sure doomed and destined to fail?

We carry our certain memories and feelings around inside ourselves like diamonds hidden in dirt. Unseen to the naked eye. Untouched.

Just knowing that diamond is there is distracting.

But then you come to a moment where you think to yourself it really a diamond or just another shard of glass? Just another broken memory that will for sure fade.

Do I sound crazy yet? LOL...I think its because I am so tired. I really should be in bed. Have work in 6 hours. Ugh.

So what does this all mean? What am I getting from all of this? Good memories...bad memories...Love...Love lost. How is it we end up letting go? How is it we have survived what we have? And why do we carry around those memories...clinging to them when we know that some of them have broken us?

I am at a time in my life where I feel that I am stronger then I have ever been. I feel roots are dug deep but I still can't help to wonder why we hold onto things that ultimately in the end......mean nothing.
Finally got this thing up and running. Had nothing but trouble and errors. Lets see if I can keep it going. :)
This will be a blog just pretty much dedicated to my everyday ramblings. I do have a FB but there are so many things I don't post due to offending others. Political/Spiritual..ect. On here..this is just me. Take it or leave it. If you don't like it...don't read it.