So I just got home from work about an hour ago and just couldn't sleep. Got the dogs on the porch barking, Aiden curled up in my bed and I just can't seem to unwind enough to fall asleep. I just kind of lay there with these random thoughts. One how my big buns Lucy cat is so darn cute yet such a wench! LOL. But shes purring right now and is being too friendly. I think its because she is fighting for my attention with Sylvester and Mama. Damn is she large and in charge LOL.
Then I think of things of past. I try not to dwell on the past too much. I mean its gone. It will never be the same. You can not no matter how hard you try repeat a exact duplicate of your past...of a certain moment in time. No matter how hard you try or how you carry it around inside...it is and will always be the past and just a memory. One that will too fade and be gone.
I was lying there and just thinking about what if we do reincarnate. What if we do pick out life lessons for ourselves. I think to myself that I know there are certain things in my life that I would've never chose for myself but then again see how I became so much stronger by getting through it.
But there are somethings that hurt so bad that I almost know for sure I didn't plan it. I think why would I put myself through somethings that were for sure doomed and destined to fail?
We carry our certain memories and feelings around inside ourselves like diamonds hidden in dirt. Unseen to the naked eye. Untouched.
Just knowing that diamond is there is distracting.
But then you come to a moment where you think to yourself ...is it really a diamond or just another shard of glass? Just another broken memory that will for sure fade.
Do I sound crazy yet? LOL...I think its because I am so tired. I really should be in bed. Have work in 6 hours. Ugh.
So what does this all mean? What am I getting from all of this? Good memories...bad memories...Love...Love lost. How is it we end up letting go? How is it we have survived what we have? And why do we carry around those memories...clinging to them when we know that some of them have broken us?
I am at a time in my life where I feel that I am stronger then I have ever been. I feel grounded..my roots are dug deep but I still can't help to wonder why we hold onto things that ultimately in the end......mean nothing.